Reflecting back

Life has been SO busy lately. I can't believe the Summer is almost over! I love Fall though, and welcome the changing colors, and crisp air! I love it! Well this month so many things have been happening! First off Cameron lost his second tooth! My big boy is growing up! Haley also went potty in the toilet by herself, and went from a crib to a big girl bed! We are still working on getting her to stay in the bed, but she is getting a little better. We have now had our new dog Cy for a little over 2 months! He is the best dog ever! Our other dog Tux has finally found his best friend! I am so happy we kept Cy! Another fun thing we did this month was take Cameron to his first Mariners game! He was in awe of the field, and the Mariner Moose! I am hoping to start a new tradition each year! He was definitely in his element! Next time we go I will let him run the bases! Lastly, but not least Haley is turning 3 on Aug 28th! Where has time gone???? THREE?? She amuses me everyday. She likes to clown around just like her brother! Our Summer really was a blast! We did so many fun things! Had our first family vacation to Oregon, went swimmming, the park, visited family from out of town, went on a train, baseball game, and went to the beach! I am looking forward to the fun adventures homeschool will bring, and the fun stuff we are going to learn!

Pondering

So I was sitting here thinking about food. When is there a day I don't think about food. It seems to overcome my thoughts every second of the day. How much have I eaten? Did I log it in my food diary? Did I eat the wrong thing? Am I eating to much? When can I eat again? Food is just a number. 110,90,60,210. The higher the calorie the better. I eat to live. Food doesn't bring me enjoyment. I don't wake up in the morning saying I am gonna have a big stack of blueberry pancakes with butter and syrup. I already know what I am going to have. The same thing I eat everyday. The same 5 choices. When I am having a bad day I wish I could run to my chocolate stash and start drowning my sorrows in chocolate. When it's raining outside I wish I could cozy up with the kids, and share a bag of popcorn while we watch a movie. How about the occasional hot fudge sunday? Oh I wish I could savor that again. I feel like so much has been taken from me. I feel robbed of the simple joys in life. I am so mad. Mad that I have this. Mad I once again in my life feel left out. I feel abnormal and weird. I hate every aspect of this disease. I hate what it has done to my mind, my heart, my family, my body and my life. I hate it. I hate you GP.

Living in the Shadow of Me

Living in the shadow of me
When eating was a choice
Remembering how it used to be


I didn't feel the pain
I had nothing to gain
Now I must refrain

Food was not the foe
Fear and Frustration
Now that's all I know

Revelation

Reveal your plan to me
My hands are open wide
I surrender all to you
I need you by my side

Guide and protect me
My future you know
I am lost without you
Show me where to go

These Feelings Inside

These feelings I have inside
This sadness I try to hide
The sense of loss I feel
I still can't believe this is real

Will today be a good day?
Will this bite cause me pain?
Do I try this new food?
Or should I just refrain?

I long to taste the food I smell
To gather with friends to eat
Burgers,chips, and yummy fries
Veggies, fruit, and meat

These feelings I have inside
This anger I try to hide
The sense of loss I feel
I still can't believe this is real

Names and Numbers

So I have a weird thing about numbers. For example Cameron has 7 letters in his first name, and that just happens to be my favorite number.I totally didn't plan that either! He has 20 letters in his whole name(Cameron James McGinnis), and he was born Oct 20th! Another cool thing are the numbers that associate with Haley. When I was pregnant with her I was 28, found out I was pregnant on Dec 28, and she was born on 8-28-08! She also has 18 letters in her full name! I must sound like a crazy person, but I just LOVE numbers! Now here is how our family numbers go...

Cameron-7 letters
Jeremy-6 letters
Haley-5 letters
Erin-4 letters

if you add the dogs!
Tux-3 letters
Cy-2 letters

My GP Poem

So yesterday I got an invitation to an event on Facebook to share a special original poem or write a story about my disease Gastroparesis(GP). The message board I am a part of is going to publish a book from those that submit something. I used to write poetry all the time, and remember how freeing it was to write them! I started writing a poem yesterday about my struggle with GP. I haven't written in sometime so I felt rusty at first. As soon as I started writing it all the words just came flowing out. I am thinking about starting a page of poems or possibly writing a poem a week here on my blog! Here is my poem I wrote for the book! I hope you enjoy it!

A Life Changed

I am sitting here reflecting on days past
When I took food for granted
Oh how things changed fast

I am sitting here remembering my life before
When I could eat anything
When I enjoyed going to the store

Now food haunts me I try not to let it show
Trying to act normal
Hoping they won't know

Why do I hide it? Why would they care?
I feel so embaressed
It feels so unfair

As I embark on this journey unknown
I remember the good times
Those memories I own


Written by Erin McGinnis