Invisible

To some you are the invisible disease, but to me you are not. You strike with a vengeance so cruel.Nobody knows how much you have taken. Nobody really knows. I look healthy yet my body has been stolen. I see the evidence everyday. To some you are forgotten. To me you have taken over my entire world. I can't run and hide. Every moment of everyday I deal with you. You and I have something in common. We hate each other. I am tired. I am physically worn out. Even when I am feeling better, you somehow manage to screw it up for me. Emotionally I am so sad inside. When will I ever accept that this is my life? When will I not feel like the outsider. Taking chances has backfired. I can only take so much.

Thank You

Thank you Lord for amazing grace
That covers me fully
Thank you Lord for your blood shed
For taking my very place

Thank you Lord for wiping my tears
For your promise of life to me
Your comfort and strength
The chance to be free

Tears

I shed a silent tear tonight
Gently it streamed down my cheek
I closed my eyes to stop them
I could barely speak

I lay under my covers
I bury my weary head
I have no more to give
Nothing more to be said

Then the sadness turns to anger
I jump out of bed to the floor
" I hate you GP", I yell
"I can't take anymore"

My tears turn unrestrained
My body is distraught
I feel so defeated
GP has stolen a lot

Food

Dear Food I am writing you to tell you to please stop causing me pain. Please stop hurting me, and leaving me in misery. I want to like you again. I want to enjoy you, and share you with others. I want to cook you, and smell you, and taste you. Right now I hate you. Your so mean to me. I sometimes wish you didn't exist. I know you are a necessity to live, and that is the only reason I keep you around. I want to enjoy you at the Holidays. I used to love to over indulge on you at Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving. Now I dread seeing you there. You are just a tease on the table staring at me. I see you in the fridge. I see you at the store. I see you everywhere I go. I used to savor you in my mouth. I made memories when I ate you. Now the memories I make, are not ones I choose to remember. Our relationship is very strained. I want to get back to the way it used to be. I know it is not all your fault. My body is at fault too. Maybe I should be writing this letter to my body instead. After all my body is the one that has failed me, not you.

Reflecting back

Life has been SO busy lately. I can't believe the Summer is almost over! I love Fall though, and welcome the changing colors, and crisp air! I love it! Well this month so many things have been happening! First off Cameron lost his second tooth! My big boy is growing up! Haley also went potty in the toilet by herself, and went from a crib to a big girl bed! We are still working on getting her to stay in the bed, but she is getting a little better. We have now had our new dog Cy for a little over 2 months! He is the best dog ever! Our other dog Tux has finally found his best friend! I am so happy we kept Cy! Another fun thing we did this month was take Cameron to his first Mariners game! He was in awe of the field, and the Mariner Moose! I am hoping to start a new tradition each year! He was definitely in his element! Next time we go I will let him run the bases! Lastly, but not least Haley is turning 3 on Aug 28th! Where has time gone???? THREE?? She amuses me everyday. She likes to clown around just like her brother! Our Summer really was a blast! We did so many fun things! Had our first family vacation to Oregon, went swimmming, the park, visited family from out of town, went on a train, baseball game, and went to the beach! I am looking forward to the fun adventures homeschool will bring, and the fun stuff we are going to learn!

Pondering

So I was sitting here thinking about food. When is there a day I don't think about food. It seems to overcome my thoughts every second of the day. How much have I eaten? Did I log it in my food diary? Did I eat the wrong thing? Am I eating to much? When can I eat again? Food is just a number. 110,90,60,210. The higher the calorie the better. I eat to live. Food doesn't bring me enjoyment. I don't wake up in the morning saying I am gonna have a big stack of blueberry pancakes with butter and syrup. I already know what I am going to have. The same thing I eat everyday. The same 5 choices. When I am having a bad day I wish I could run to my chocolate stash and start drowning my sorrows in chocolate. When it's raining outside I wish I could cozy up with the kids, and share a bag of popcorn while we watch a movie. How about the occasional hot fudge sunday? Oh I wish I could savor that again. I feel like so much has been taken from me. I feel robbed of the simple joys in life. I am so mad. Mad that I have this. Mad I once again in my life feel left out. I feel abnormal and weird. I hate every aspect of this disease. I hate what it has done to my mind, my heart, my family, my body and my life. I hate it. I hate you GP.

Living in the Shadow of Me

Living in the shadow of me
When eating was a choice
Remembering how it used to be


I didn't feel the pain
I had nothing to gain
Now I must refrain

Food was not the foe
Fear and Frustration
Now that's all I know