One Year Ago

November 10th 2010 is a day I will never forget. The day that changed my life. Little did I know that I had a condition called Gastroparesis. I remember trying to go to sleep, and feeling sick. I tried to get comfortable, but couldn't. All of the sudden it was like someone put a spear right thru my stomach. I remember waking Jeremy up in shear panic as the pain increased. Within seconds I was in so much pain I couldn't even talk. I collapsed on our bed in gut wrenching pain. It seemed like hours went by even though I am sure it was less then 15 mins. Jeremy kept asking me what was the matter. He has just been woken up, and had no idea what was going on. I was scared out of my mind wondering when all this was going to end. The pain was one of the worst pains I have ever felt, and I have a high pain tolerance. After the pain let up I remember laying on the bed trying to catch my breath. I didn't want to move in fear the pain would return. The next day I went to the walk in clinic. All I could think of was maybe I needed my appendix out. The dr was nice and sent me to there labs for blood work, and a CT scan. After I got the results they said all looked ok, and sent me for further testing at Digestive Health Specialists. During this time I was not able to eat much, as the pain increased. I was living on jello, saltines, and Boost. I was also dropping weight like crazy. My second test was a Colonoscopy. They needed to rule out Colitis. That test went well, and came out normal. I was getting very frustrated by this time, because I couldn't eat, felt sick all the time, and still didn't know what was wrong with me. January 2011 rolled around, and I had my third test which was an Endoscopy. By this time I was becoming a regular at there office. Endoscopy turned out okay, so the Dr. scheduled one more test at Good Samaritan Hospital. My next test was A Gastric Empty Study. By this time it has been almost 4 months since my attack, and I had dropped 28 lbs.
The Gastric Empty study was done, and revealed Gastroparesis. I got my results in February. I remember going to the Dr. and him telling me I had this condition. I was clueless as to what that meant. I thought it just meant I would get medicine, and it would go away. I never knew a year later I will still be in pain, and losing weight. Emotionally it has been a rough year for me. Not only have I lost the foods I once loved, but my body has changed. I am now down 41 lbs, and trying to maintain.I have since gotten a new Dr. The other one wasn't helping me live with this. My new specialist is great! He got me going on some medication. It has been about 5 weeks on the meds, and I am able to eat a bit more then before. Some days are smooth sailing, and I feel great. Some days I wake up feeling awful, and the meds do nothing for me. I was on a liquid diet for a long time. I have been slowly introducing new foods to my diet so I can work up to eating again. The trial and error of it all sometimes is scary, and I admit that I have become fearful of food. I also get fearful when I feel well, because I know it will be followed by days of feeling sick. I thank God for the good moments, and the times I can feel like me again. They are few and far between. I have learned to slow down, and take breaks. I am not consuming as many calories as I did before this condition. My energy level is much lower, and I can't do as much as I used too. I have had to accept that, and it has been very hard on me. It is hard to not be able to commit to things with friends. Sometimes I feel shut out of the world. Social gatherings have become hard for me, because food is always the center of it. I have a counselor I have been seeing for the last 1yr, who has helped me thru this mourning process. There are so many emotions that run thru my head. Anger, sadness,fear, hurt, loneliness. I have found support on Facebook with other people with my condition. It has been such a great outlet for me. I have met some wonderful people who have helped me. So here I am a year later. This Thanksgiving and Christmas will be hard, but I am trying to make the best of it. I am thankful I have a diagnosis at least, and a great Dr. who is helping me. I am also thankful for family and friends who have been there to lean on. Lots of tears have been shed. I feel my job now is to spread awareness about Gastroparesis. It is more popular then people realize.

Getting thru this pain

Today I just feel mad. As we approach Thanksgiving my anxiety builds even more. I am trying not to think about it, but honestly I can't get it off my mind. I am not looking forward to sitting at a table full of yummy food I once used to eat, and being forced to pass it to everyone else. I should be eating that food. I should be able to join in with everyone else. I feel angry that GP took that from me. I remember last Thanksgiving I hadn't been diagnosed with GP yet, but was going thru the testing. I was only eating jello, saltines and boost at the time. I remember sitting at the table fighting back the tears as I passed yummy mashed potatoes, and stuffing. Bringing my own food is just not the same. I don't have that much to choose from anyways. I eat that food EVERYDAY so why would that be something to look forward too. I feel like crying as I write this. Nobody really understand how emotional having GP is. Its like being a permanent diet the rest of your life. You can't even cheat on it either without major repercussions.Now don't get me wrong I am thankful. I have a beautiful family, friends, God who loves me, roof over my head. He has provided a lot for me in the midst of my storm. I just feel weary from it all. God is the only one who will get me thru this. The other day I was listening to a song by Aaron Shust "My Hope is in you" and closed my eyes. I held out my hands in front of me. My hands are empty, and I need God to take my hand. I felt the most incredible feeling rush over me. I felt the presence of God touch me. It was the most awesome feeling ever. I have been finding my strength thru music. So many songs that just lift me up. Praying I can push thru the Holidays and start next year with something good. It has been almost a year since I had my first attack Nov 10th. I will be probably writing a poem that day.

Invisible

To some you are the invisible disease, but to me you are not. You strike with a vengeance so cruel.Nobody knows how much you have taken. Nobody really knows. I look healthy yet my body has been stolen. I see the evidence everyday. To some you are forgotten. To me you have taken over my entire world. I can't run and hide. Every moment of everyday I deal with you. You and I have something in common. We hate each other. I am tired. I am physically worn out. Even when I am feeling better, you somehow manage to screw it up for me. Emotionally I am so sad inside. When will I ever accept that this is my life? When will I not feel like the outsider. Taking chances has backfired. I can only take so much.

Thank You

Thank you Lord for amazing grace
That covers me fully
Thank you Lord for your blood shed
For taking my very place

Thank you Lord for wiping my tears
For your promise of life to me
Your comfort and strength
The chance to be free

Tears

I shed a silent tear tonight
Gently it streamed down my cheek
I closed my eyes to stop them
I could barely speak

I lay under my covers
I bury my weary head
I have no more to give
Nothing more to be said

Then the sadness turns to anger
I jump out of bed to the floor
" I hate you GP", I yell
"I can't take anymore"

My tears turn unrestrained
My body is distraught
I feel so defeated
GP has stolen a lot

Food

Dear Food I am writing you to tell you to please stop causing me pain. Please stop hurting me, and leaving me in misery. I want to like you again. I want to enjoy you, and share you with others. I want to cook you, and smell you, and taste you. Right now I hate you. Your so mean to me. I sometimes wish you didn't exist. I know you are a necessity to live, and that is the only reason I keep you around. I want to enjoy you at the Holidays. I used to love to over indulge on you at Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving. Now I dread seeing you there. You are just a tease on the table staring at me. I see you in the fridge. I see you at the store. I see you everywhere I go. I used to savor you in my mouth. I made memories when I ate you. Now the memories I make, are not ones I choose to remember. Our relationship is very strained. I want to get back to the way it used to be. I know it is not all your fault. My body is at fault too. Maybe I should be writing this letter to my body instead. After all my body is the one that has failed me, not you.

Reflecting back

Life has been SO busy lately. I can't believe the Summer is almost over! I love Fall though, and welcome the changing colors, and crisp air! I love it! Well this month so many things have been happening! First off Cameron lost his second tooth! My big boy is growing up! Haley also went potty in the toilet by herself, and went from a crib to a big girl bed! We are still working on getting her to stay in the bed, but she is getting a little better. We have now had our new dog Cy for a little over 2 months! He is the best dog ever! Our other dog Tux has finally found his best friend! I am so happy we kept Cy! Another fun thing we did this month was take Cameron to his first Mariners game! He was in awe of the field, and the Mariner Moose! I am hoping to start a new tradition each year! He was definitely in his element! Next time we go I will let him run the bases! Lastly, but not least Haley is turning 3 on Aug 28th! Where has time gone???? THREE?? She amuses me everyday. She likes to clown around just like her brother! Our Summer really was a blast! We did so many fun things! Had our first family vacation to Oregon, went swimmming, the park, visited family from out of town, went on a train, baseball game, and went to the beach! I am looking forward to the fun adventures homeschool will bring, and the fun stuff we are going to learn!