Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Getting thru this pain

Today I just feel mad. As we approach Thanksgiving my anxiety builds even more. I am trying not to think about it, but honestly I can't get it off my mind. I am not looking forward to sitting at a table full of yummy food I once used to eat, and being forced to pass it to everyone else. I should be eating that food. I should be able to join in with everyone else. I feel angry that GP took that from me. I remember last Thanksgiving I hadn't been diagnosed with GP yet, but was going thru the testing. I was only eating jello, saltines and boost at the time. I remember sitting at the table fighting back the tears as I passed yummy mashed potatoes, and stuffing. Bringing my own food is just not the same. I don't have that much to choose from anyways. I eat that food EVERYDAY so why would that be something to look forward too. I feel like crying as I write this. Nobody really understand how emotional having GP is. Its like being a permanent diet the rest of your life. You can't even cheat on it either without major repercussions.Now don't get me wrong I am thankful. I have a beautiful family, friends, God who loves me, roof over my head. He has provided a lot for me in the midst of my storm. I just feel weary from it all. God is the only one who will get me thru this. The other day I was listening to a song by Aaron Shust "My Hope is in you" and closed my eyes. I held out my hands in front of me. My hands are empty, and I need God to take my hand. I felt the most incredible feeling rush over me. I felt the presence of God touch me. It was the most awesome feeling ever. I have been finding my strength thru music. So many songs that just lift me up. Praying I can push thru the Holidays and start next year with something good. It has been almost a year since I had my first attack Nov 10th. I will be probably writing a poem that day.